Processing death, processing grief

I’ve been putting off writing my weekly post because my aunt died last Thursday, and I’m still not sure how to treat it as more than a line item in my week when it is, obviously, so much more than that. If I were on LiveJournal, I would write a friends-locked post about her, but since this is not that space, it’s not an option, and it’s just a weird space I’m in with this blog. I will say that at least I’m talking about it here unlike when my grandmother died and I posted a book review that I had forgotten about and was obligated to post as part of a book tour.

So, yes, my aunt died and it is weird because I knew she was sick, but she was also the same kind of sick last year. But this time, she didn’t make it. And it’s just that thing where I can’t believe she ran out of time and also that I haven’t seen her in years but also where she is no longer here.

Her funeral is going to be two days before the anniversary of my grandmother’s death. So that is also a thing that’s happening.

Anyway, I am back on the East Coast with my family now, which is good. I got to see my cousin (her son) who recently got out of prison and who I haven’t seen since my grandfather’s funeral. My mom is here, and I’m glad I can be here for her. They have both been overwhelmed by trying to sort out my aunt’s estate, which is a weird thing to say about someone who didn’t have any money, but that’s the language of use. So yeah, I’m glad I can be here for both of them and that my friends helped me pay for my travel so I could do so.

And I guess now that I wrote that, I see that it needed to be its own post anyway, which is probably why I kept resisting the line item-style post.

Grief is weird. On Thursday when I heard about my aunt’s death, I felt sad and guilty but also had things to do. So I went and did those things and wound up overdrafting my account because I was in the fog. And then I had a really fun weekend with friends. But on Monday, I was so out of sorts and unable to do much of anything. I called a friend who helped me recognize that I was grieving and reminded me that it was going to keep sneaking up on me. And also I am reminded as I kept avoiding this post that it will come out in many ways, and I just have to go with it.

We are going shopping for my aunt’s dress for her service tomorrow. From what my cousin is planning, it sounds like the repast is going to be epic. He really wants to enjoy spending time with the people who knew and loved her. It will be a great way to honor her memory.

5 thoughts on “Processing death, processing grief

  1. I am so incredibly sorry. It is amazing how many emotions we can feel in a short period. We lost our Aunt last week as well. And she was the same kind of sick last year as she was when she passed. But it’s incredibly hard. Prayers and hugs from Florida.

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  2. So sorry for your loss Akilah. Grief also likes to sneak up on you (out of the blue often, triggered by a scent or a song) and will compound, piling on older losses as well – ones that you thought had been dealt with already. I am familiar with the brain fog of grief. It gets better, especially once you recognize what is happening and come up with coping strategies (like writing yourself lots of reminder notes).

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