I have gotten a couple of text messages from friends–white friends–asking me how I’m doing or how I’m holding up, and the answer is the same for all.
I’m angry and I’m weary. I’m angry and I’m weary and I’m tired of talking about being angry and weary. If you want to know the depths of my anger and weariness, I’ve found that the following three Instagram posts pretty well encapsulate where I am. The first one is a short video (three minutes) and a transcription has been helpfully provided here. The other two speak for themselves.
I don’t really use closed captioning–except when I’m watching The Great British Baking Show or some other British show. That’s just because I don’t speak British, so the subtitles are necessary. I mean, honestly, what are they saying? I do not know.
My daughter, on the other hand, always has the closed captioning on when she watches TV. It helps her focus, she says. Without it, she won’t really know what’s going on.
But, for me, it’s hard for me to focus when closed captions are on. I read instead of watching. It is very distracting.
Okay, I don’t really care about the Zoom platform itself, but I’m sure everyone has been hearing about it since it has been the go-to video chat service, especially for meetings. I personally much prefer FaceTime, but maybe I just don’t have that many friends. Or I prefer a more intimate gathering of friends? I mean, whatever, you all know I just needed something for Z.
Listen, this pandemic sucks. The worst part is that people are actually dying, which is why we’re in self-isolation in the first place. It’s sometimes easy for me to lose sight of that when I’m sitting in my air-conditioned apartment, sad because I’m limited in my movements. (I mean, it goes deeper than that, of course, but you get what I’m saying here.)
I was going to write a post extolling the virtues of my white noise machine before the pandemic started. My best friend and her (now) ex-husband got it for me for Christmas. I wanted it to help me sleep on the nights the silence was too loud, and it is pretty good for that alone.
My daughter and I are in a one-bedroom apartment and having a white noise machine pre-pandemic was a godsend. For one thing, we’re on opposite schedules, which meant she and her friend would be hanging out here in the middle of the night when I was headed to bed. The white noise machine would drown out their late night TV and movie watching as well as their loud conversations about said TV and movie watching.
Okay, so I actually 100% hate uncertainty. It is probably one of my least favorite things ever, and this stupid pandemic is full of uncertainty. We don’t know exactly when it’s going to end. We don’t know exactly how it’s spread. We don’t know exactly how long it incubates. We don’t know anything! It sucks!
I have been really busy since the pandemic started. I am always really busy but it’s been shocking just how busy I am even when I’m not leaving home to go anywhere. A lot of it is my fault: I fill my days talking to people and watching TV and being online.
A couple of weeks ago, though, I went for a walk and didn’t turn on music, or call anybody, or listen to an audiobook or a podcast. I just walked and took in what was around me.
One day, my daughter turned off the TV and said, “I’m tired of TV.” And that was that.
That’s right: It’s a hybrid post. What I thought was motion sickness today was really just a migraine set up, so I don’t have it in me to write two separate posts. If you’re just here for the A to Z stuff, it’s at the end, so you can scroll scroll scroll.
Last week was spring break, praise the Lord. I took the entire week off from work: no grading, no emails, no course prep, nothing. It was nice. I spent two days doing some deep reading–in part because I had to limit my screen time, but also because I just wanted to read. The motion sickness/migraine madness meant I unfortunately couldn’t catch up on blogs like I wanted to. However, I did manage to watch Parasite, which broke my brain, and I also started a rewatch of The Bernie Mac Show (both are on Hulu), which is bringing me so much joy. I mean, honestly, there are not enough BMS gifs out there and my heart, it weeps.
My biggest obligation right now is, of course, my job, which will get its own letter. But besides actual teaching, I’m actually a little grateful for the meetings. Go figure.
See, the thing is that meetings and scheduled calls give my day some structure. And sometimes, they force me to get out of bed when I may be more inclined to just…not. In the Before, I always had places to be or people to hang out with and the loss of structure hasn’t been great for me. I often spend my days wondering what exactly I did all day–and that’s even when I do have work. Like, I know I did things, but I often used my calendar to SEE what I did and have a record of that. With nowhere to physically go, I don’t have times to physically be places, so I don’t have activities on my calendar and therefore don’t know what’s happened in my day.